When a German Stares

In Germany, there is no social convention that limits a stare to the time needed to register another person’s presence. The German stare is harsh and unforgiving. It’s like you’ve accidently left a boob hanging out in the complicated process of getting dressed; like you have an entire spinach plant stuck between your teeth. It’s not appreciative, nor is it a neutral appraisal. When a German stares, you feel a pressing need to justify your existence.

The stare, and how to live with it, is a hotly debated topic in expat forums. In most countries you just need make eye contact and the starer will quickly look away or pretend they were looking over your shoulder. But here, staring back will only ensnare you in an uncomfortable game of chicken. The loser blinks. You save your pride and sanity if you just ignore it.

But getting used to the stare means that you are completely disarmed when a starer takes things the next level. It was Tuesday, around 11am, and I was in between trains on my way to H.U.. I was somewhat distracted by my iPod (more specifically, Prince’s not-so-subtle double entendres) so I didn’t realise the man in a straw hat walk towards me, place his face directly in front of mine and stare intently at my head. I was startled but, like a good Berliner, pretended that everything was normal.

A minute or so passed. I realised this situation was going nowhere quickly, so pulling out my earphones, said:

Me: err…Ja?

Herr: (long pause, leans in) Incomprehensible German.

Me : <thinking: am I being propositioned? Is this guy 100%?> Ahh, es tut mir leid, ich spreche nur ein bisschen Deutsch.

Herr: (long pause, squints) What do you in Berlin study?

Me: <thinking: I don’t even look like a student today! I’ve brushed my hair! Do I finally have my own stalker after 23 lonely years of being ignored by the crazies of the world?> Law. Jura. Er, Rechtswissenschaft?

Herr: Kommen Sie aus U.S.A?

Me: Nein, ich komme aus Australien

Herr: (pause) Ahhh! (walks away and steps immediately onto the next carriage)

I know this isn’t a remarkable conversation, but in the three months I’ve been riding the U-Bahn, it’s the longest I’ve had. Back in Australia, staring is just plain rude. But I’ve gotten so used to the silent, socially acceptable communication that the whole exchange left me weirdly unsettled.

Perhaps it’s because people treat other people differently here in Germany. The Protection of Human Dignity is the most important concept in German Basic Law, sitting pretty in the very first article in the very first section of the German Constitution. But it’s no secret that Germans can be a little abrupt. Apologies, even when fault is clear, are rare. As someone remarked last week, it’s one of the few countries in the world where “No” is a complete and acceptable response to a question.

At first, this all seemed a little hypocritical. But it’s becoming clear that brusqueness does not equal disrespect. At least it’s the truth. It seems that people won’t ask you how you’re going unless they actually care, and if they don’t feel like going out, they simply won’t. I find this streamlined approach refreshing. It’s better than being drowned in our social niceties. Perhaps human dignity is better protected by being honest.